Two sides of the same coin

When the school year had ended Kell had asked the kids what their ideal summer looked like. Relieved that it involved very little in the way of grand gestures. Their list was as follows.

-camp out in the back yard

-outdoor movies on the deck

-pizza night

-kayaking

-visit the library

-go swimming at the community center

Surely tackling at least one of those list items a week would be easy. After all it was summer. They had nothing but time on their hands.

That was the problem though. Time. A fickle thing that ran through your hands like sand when you needed it to stay, and flowed like molasses out of the jar when you wanted it to hurry along. 

They were half way through the summer now and while they had nearly crossed everything off the list it felt like a chore to do each.

The doing of the things wasn’t the hard part. It was the mental energy it took to will herself to go do them. The fear of having to interact with someone known or unknown that haunted her. 

It felt like the moment of panic you get after taking off an ill fitting sports bra. When it gets stuck around your shoulders and the dread that you’ll have to stay like that. Arms tangled in the straps, arm pits exposed, and the world at the ready to poke them. All while you hyperventilate and die. 

She didn’t know when interacting with people had become such a big thing. Some days when she thought on it it felt like it had always been that way, and other times it felt so new. Of course both were true. At times she was the most confident sure version of herself. That version of her was Brick. She could do anything and believed she was capable of everything. The problem was that she never stuck around for long. Leaving an overwhelmed husk to carry out her mile long list of to-dos to conquer the world. God she hated Brick. 

Kell knew she wasn’t the only one left in a wake of a more assured version of themselves. It was something she had found a lot of comfort in. Especially in recent years. But knowing she wasn’t alone didn’t take away or solve her dilemma. 

So when the day came to take the kids kayaking she did what she always did. Stalled. Maybe if they waited around long enough someone would say they were too tired to go? Or maybe the crowds would be too much and they wouldn’t find a spot to park. They should definitely wait to go another day if that was the case. 

Alas Steve, ever vigilant, and a giant push over when it came to his kids had already loaded up the truck and was ready to hit the road. Kell agitatedly instructed the kids to get on sunscreen and fill up their water bottles. 

Ugh! She hated the way sunscreen felt on her skin. Always sticky and a weird lingering smell that made her nauseous. The alternative of potential skin cancer for not putting it on bothered her more though. 

The lake was only a 10 minute drive. Kell had taken the kids there multiple times, though never to the lake, just to the attached park for an afternoon. On the way to the lake Kell asked Steve if he had checked where to go to drop off the kayaks. He replied that it was just at the beach. Immediately her chest felt compresses and her anxiety screamed. Next to the park was a small community beach for swimming and playing all roped in to keep anyone from wandering to far out.

“Are you sure? We’ve been to that park a lot and I have never seen a kayak in that area.” Kell gritted out, anxiety spiking. If they got there and someone came up to them to tell them they couldn’t have kayaks she would never recover. The possibility of making anyone upset or uncomfortable was enough to keep her home most days. Convinced that any amount of interaction with her would likely ruin even the most pleasant of humans lives. 

“Yeah, I don’t know where else you would go. I think the boat ramp is only for bigger boats.” Steve replied.

Breathing through fear she said, “Okay, but can you please just go check when we get there?”

Steve kindly agreed and after parking went off to gather information from the paddle boat rental attendant. When he returned he informed her that there indeed was no kayaking allowed on the beach, though kayaking was allowed on the lake. The attendant told him that there were several coves along the shore they were welcome to launch from. 

Relieved that they wouldn’t be having any uncomfortable interactions for rule breaking, Kell’s anxiety eased. She convinced Steve to drive over to the boat launch and see if it was a good spot as it would be much closer to the water. 

She was right (because anxiety and existential dread aside she usually was) the boat ramp was a perfect spot. They quickly got unloaded and out onto the water. 

It was a gorgeous day. Partly cloudy and a high of 77. They paddled out to the middle of the small lake and the kids jumped ship to swim. Their squeals of delight echoing the people from the shores enjoying their own days. What had started out as something she was dreading had turned into a peaceful afternoon. It was always that way. The lead up and fear of the unknown turning her into a gremlin sure the world would end. Just to end up happy to be doing something so lovely.