Sometimes in life you can’t tell exactly when everything changed. But I can. And it all traces back to that moment. That singular bite.
It was a day. Much like any other. Except that on this day I decided that instead of my usual pop tarts and coffee, I would try to eat one of the protein bars my lover bought.

I had been feeling down. I wanted to be a different person. A person who eats green food just for fun and thinks a good time involves sports wear used for actual sporting.
So I opened the box, grabbed a bar, and sat down at the table with my lover. We were talking about how to solve for the sum of amazon boxes times pie squared. You know, real grown up stuff. As we are chatting about quantum physics I open my protein bar and take a bite.
As soon as I bit down I knew something was wrong. This bar, seemingly covered in chocolate was not velvety smooth and creamy. No. It is crumbling. WHY IS IT CRUMBLING! I am trying not to panic and decide to chew it and see if it improves. It. Does. Not.
Suddenly it’s chalky and even drier, despite all the saliva in my mouth. Desperatly trying to save me from what my brain knew was dooms day the second I took a bite.
The thing about me and food is that I like most of it, and weird flavors might leave me not wanting a second bite, but bad texture? Immediate purge.
At this point I am dry heaving. Praying to whatever god I haven’t offended. Hoping I can make it to a bathroom and exercise this daemon health food, disguised as candy. All the while chanting to myself, “Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. OH GOD! It’s all I can think about!”
I am happy to report that I did make it to the garbage can, and that I did NOT puke. But I did have to sell my soul to a hot Fae Overlord. And not a second too soon either.
As I sat back down at the table, my lover said, “Oh yeah I should have told you those aren’t very good.”
We are now happily divorced and I am enjoying my new life in Fantopia. Watch out for my Memoir, “Cursed Woman, Hot Fae” hitting bookstores next summer.