Last year I was able to share a big part of my leaving Mormonism (aka the LDS church) story, via close friends stories over on instagram. It all came about when the show Secret lives of Mormon Wives was airing. Watching the show sparked thoughts I was able to share and start a conversation between my followers about what being a Mormon looks like and the controversies taking place in the show and the nuances of certain things.
At this moment I desperately want to jump onto my instagram stories. To share the thoughts bubbling up after watching the first episode of, Devil in the family the fall of Ruby Franke. Being as it’s still March I’ll be sharing my thoughts here instead.
To be clear I wont be sharing the story of Ruby Franke here. This is meant as more of a way for me to share thoughts and feelings of my own past in Mormonism. As well as what comes up as I watch the show. If you want to know more about Ruby Franke a quick google search will get you up to date. But big trigger warning, child abuse is involved and it’s a heavy story to hear.
If you want to know about my story you can either leave me a DM on instagram asking to be added to the close friends group, or leave a comment here letting me know you want more posts like this here on the blog.
Quintessential Mormon
When The secret lives of Mormon wives came out a lot of people were saying that the show didn’t showcase “real Mormons”. And it was both true and untrue. True in the sense that most Mormons look more like the Franke family (minus the Youtube fame and abuse). Untrue because Mormons don’t only look or act one way.
In Mormon culture, any sort of Mormon celebrity is celebrated. You are shining gods light as a beacon to the world. The image Ruby Franke originally showcased to the world on her YouTube channel was the quintessential Mormon family life. Watching the first episode of the documentary brought up so many memories of my own childhood. Good and bad.
Ruby’s version of Mormon is the aspiration I was definitely trying to gain back in the day. As well as what the majority of Mormon families appeared to be. In my case I wanted to be a loyal church member, wife, mother, share the gospel, and bringing my family closer to god. All while maintaining the perfect lawn and tousled Utah curls.
If the box fits
There’s a therapist that is interviewed in the episode. They mention how most people in Utah are happy . . . but they are also in a box. An accurate statement if I ever heard one.
You can build a very happy blissful life as a Moron. . . As long as you know how to toe the caustic line of image and obedience.
Mormon God, Love = Obedience
God can still love you when you disobey, but if you “choose” to disobey you must not love him in return. It’s the same for Mormon parents as well. You see this play out perfectly when Ruby threatens to take away things in order to gain control again.
Judge and Scorn
The blond neighbor in episode one almost had me tearing my hair out. The snarky judgment rolling off of her was next level. It perfectly encapsulates the judgment that runs rampant through much of the Utah communities. The comments about how Ruby never had anyone over or talked to people with the underlayment of “that’s not what I would have done” is exactly why i have social anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that filming the neighbors and their homes without consent would get annoying. But why didn’t they ever bring their concerns to Ruby and Kevin to talk through solutions? Probably because most Mormons avoid direct confrontation like the plague. Preferring to play the game of passive aggression in hopes you’ll get the hint. It usually doesn’t work and everyone is left resentful of everyone else. But at leaste in an interview you can tout how superior you are, just like God wants.
Much to my chagrin I have been that blond neighbor. It makes me embarrassed, sad, and angry every time I see it play out. I understand the need for any sort of pat on the back that tells you that you are good enough. Since those never come you do it yourself. Being as you have never seen healthy boundaries and confrontation play out you keep the cycle of judge and scorn going.
Mommy isn’t very nice to me
I recently listened to Shari Franke’s book House of my Mother and sobbed through the chapter titled “Mommy isn’t very nice to me.” So much of Ruby’s story pre Jodi feels like watching my own childhood play out.
In no way am I defending Ruby, but I couldn’t help but think about all the ways Mormonism plays into this style of parenting. Motherhood is one of the only ways you can be seen or recognized. If you aren’t being a good Mom your kids wont obey god. If your kids don’t obey god that means that you aren’t obeying god. And in order to obey god you need to be a good Mom. A vicious cycle of ineptitude.
Why do I keep watching?
Maybe you are wondering why I am so insistent on hearing these stories when I chose to leave that life? It’s a good question. I don’t know that I have a fully formed answer for it. Hearing someone else put into words things I have never been able to articulate for myself feels healing. Perhaps it’s to my own detriment, but for now this is an exposure therapy of sorts.
Until next time,
-Brick